Intro: Our Family Expansion

This is going to be harder than I thought, emotionally....
but here it goes: I am going to briefly start from the beginning and lead up to where we currently are so bare with me! This is basically an outline up until Nov. 18th when I started the blog...this means that not all of my emotions are in this! Trust me there have been so many emotions good and bad on this journey! I wish I had started the blog a long time ago so I had all of my emotions documented, even though I am ashamed with some of my feelings I know I shouldn't be but even sometimes being around children would trigger my thoughts! I am however very thankful to have a strong faith, a supportive husband and family/friends to keep me going! 


~Cliff and I were married in November of 2008, we had what we would consider a perfect family, the 2 of us and our 2 precious pups, Lycan and Siren :) We lived in Fort Walton Beach, FL, but had already received orders to move to Aviano, Italy in May of 2009! (Cliff is in the Air Force) Early in 2009, before leaving FL we decided I would stop my birth control and we would go with the flow of things :)


~Shortly after we arrived in Italy (yes we settled in, explored some and immediately fell in love with the area) we decided we really wanted to expand our family and add a baby! Exciting right! We started trying in December of 2009, things started out very easy and simple for us, we were pregnant in a few months! Ecstatic, we told almost everyone immediately we were to have a baby and I was due Nov. 21, 2010! I was having a great first trimester, no sickness, just extra saliva (annoying), some slight cramping sometimes at the end of the day with a little back ache and my nose, everything I could smell was stronger than ever that alone could cause some nausea so I was thankful I had not been experiencing morning sickness at all! 

Our first doctor visit, May 3rd 2010 I was 12 weeks into the pregnancy we feared the worst when we didn't see a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor...the nurse said it out loud and tears flowed down my cheeks, the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks! We were devastated, the worst part was going home to call and tell family the bad news as they were expecting to hear from us! I could hardly get the words to come out of my mouth while speaking to my Mom! Every person I told I swear Cliff had to wrap his arms around me and it felt as though he was catching me as I was falling! I collapsed in his arms more times than I can count! The next day we were scheduled for a DNC to complete the miscarriage. We decided to go the route of the DNC because I had not had any signs of miscarrying except very light spotting around 10 wks (which was not considered a sign) but since then nothing. We later noticed that Lycan had been wanting to be near to me constantly (he knew something was wrong and wouldn't leave my side...he's sweet and concerned like that but we couldn't figure out until after the Dr appt why he had been wanting to be near me so much).  Cliff was due to deploy in about a week, the doctors had told us we could wait and let my body pass the baby on its own but considering how long it had been without anything happening and Cliff scheduled to leave so soon, I didn't want to go through all of that alone, we wanted it to all be over! They also do not administer the medication to help your body start the miscarriage process here due to how much you can bleed and risk going to the Italian Hospital (they like to avoid emergencies) so we chose the best route for us. The DNC went well I had no complications, the healing process went well also. Cliff was deploying so we wouldn't be able to try again for about 6 months. To me this was good and bad, good because it would give us time to heal emotionally and (me) physically but bad because it was delaying us expanding our family. The few days after the DNC were nice Cliff was given time off work to stay with me, the dogs (at this time we had taken in a foster, Chahee), all 3 stayed in bed with me cuddling as much as I needed it, it was rainy so it made it easier to lay around and recover! Cliff was super sweet and I couldn't have asked for a better companion than him and the pups during that rough time...the constant hugs and shoulder to cry on was beyond comforting! Cliff's deployment was pushed back about a week because the volcano in Iceland was erupting and all flights everywhere in Europe had been cancelled! This was nice to keep him with me for a few extra days! But then he deployed and it began....time with friends and staying busy to not only get through the deployment but also get over the loss of our child. Friends, a few to be exact were absolutely amazing to have during that time, I will never forget their kindness!

 Now I did have crying spells and yelling fits asking why this had happened, we had a plan and then it hit me...if you ever want to make God laugh tell him your plans (have you ever heard this?) I knew He had a plan but this was a very trying time for me! I feel like I was strong through it all and I handled it the best I could, I didn't let too many people know how vulnerable I was! Mostly I lost it while I was in the car by myself or at home with the pups, amazingly they would come cuddle with me and provide comfort...I know some people think I am crazy about my dogs and I am, they have been there for me when no one else was...they have comforted me when I needed it the most! So yeah I love them like crazy! 

I still don't understand and never will but the question "why" has left my mind and I have faith that He knows why! I still sometimes think oh our child would be ___ old or would be around that kids age! I think about what he/she would look like what they would be doing at this time in their life, how different our lives would be and then I wake up and think live today Terri-Anne, enjoy what you have and where you are...you live in Italy (this I don't think will ever be real to me...we have fallen in love with Italia and are very blessed for this opportunity, the good and bad!) Probably the best words that anyone said to me were from my Aunt, "you never forget but it does get easier" those words have helped me understand that my thoughts and feelings on this roller coaster are normal and the words are most definitely true!

Now I have mentioned 2 important dates, May 3rd and Nov 21st....two very emotional times for us and 2 dates we will never forget! There is something very ironic about these dates...first May 3rd the day we found out we had lost our baby, this day is also the birthday of one of Cliff's very dear friends (Cole) who tragically passed away on Nov. 21, 2009 we feel that there is a link in these dates....there has to be! When we got home from the hospital on May 3rd I will never forget Cliff saying "today is Cole's birthday," I say "it is isn't it?" He goes on to say "I guess he needed a piece of me in heaven with him!" It kind of made sense, Cliff and Cole had a brotherly relationship and had known each other their whole lives, pretty much when they were in the womb they became friends! I honestly feel comfort thinking and knowing that Cole is watching our child as they look down on us together...I guess as much as we wanted that baby we find peace knowing that Cole has a piece of Cliff with him! Cliff carries Cole in his heart down here on Earth and Cole carries a piece of our heart up in Heaven with him!


~Now jump to October 2010-Cliff comes home from deployment :) yay! The first night he is home we catch up on talking, for hours we talked and talked and talked, telling each other stories and saying how happy we are he is home! Also talking about how we couldn't imagine me being pregnant with a big belly...realizing life is how it is suppose to be! We decided we wanted to get used to him being home and us being back together so we would go with the flow of things, not to necessarily try to conceive but not prevent it either! After a year of no luck, we decided maybe we should go get checked out to make sure nothing was preventing us from conceiving and to make sure we were both healthy!