Exciting times

Tonight I was waiting for the call on how much meds to take tonight, when I received the call we got good news...

Tonight 11/ 26 I take 2 vials of meropur 

Tomorrow I won't take any medicine but I will go pick up the ovitrelle injection (this one is pre-made and has to stay in the refrigerator) I have to take 2/3rds of the ovitrelle at 0415 Wednesday morning. This is very important, it has to be 36 hours before the pick up!  
Wednesday evening I will take one antibiotic pill and another one Thursday morning. 

Thursday is PICK UP day!!!! We will go to a different clinic than we have been going to (no big deal) we have to be there at 1500. I can't eat 6 hours prior to pick up and 2 hours before I can't drink. I am not suppose to wear make up or jewelry, I have to bring my own pajamas and slippers for comfort after the procedure and I will have to wait there for a short time. 

We are so excited and a little nervous to see how many eggs (follicles) we will get! We feel like things are going good because we didn't expect pick up to be until around the 30th...so we feel like maybe I have a good amount, we pray I have produced a good amount of follicles and healthy ones! 

I just spoke to my Mom and sister, both are excited! Mom kept telling me this will work and that I have to have the right "I am" meaning I have to say yes, I am going to be pregnant soon! She was telling me how she heard that in a sermon a while back and it really stuck to her..."you have to have the right I am", very appropriate right now! I agree, I need the right attitude and I definitely have faith but I feel like I don't want to set myself up for disappointment! Thank you Lord for all of the positive people surrounding me and keeping me thinking positive! This will all be good! The outcome will be good...the doctors seem very positive and knowledgeable, I have faith that they will work all their magic and make this successful! Now we wait to see how many follicles we get on Thursday! I guess here comes the real nail biting time...keep praying for calmness to surround us!


Other good news...We're going to have another nephew!!! That's right my sister is having another boy! Clayton will be a big brother to a sweet little boy! God is good!

The last few days

Sorry for no posts the last few days, it has been crazy with Thanksgiving and I have been tired once I have the chance to sit down....

So on the 21st we took 5 vials of Meropur.

The 21st was a little sad for me. I feel like the meds have made me a little emotional! I almost cried a few times and then would stop myself and laugh! Once I was about to cry thinking how great Cliff has been and how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband! He has been so supportive and praise the Lord for him because otherwise I don't know who would be giving me my injection each night :) no way could I do it myself! He really has been so supportive and we definitely have been through this journey together, open and honest! I tell him when I am feeling sad and he says no crying which sometimes still makes me cry but I end up smiling! I was also a little sad thinking about the date...if you remember the 21st was an important date, my due date for 2010. I was happy to not be too sad that day, I think I am so side tracked with my treatment and looking for a positive outcome I didn't think too much (I had actually prayed for this), which was a plus but it was still there...maybe after 2 years it is getting easier! It still hurts but I am hoping next year to have a sweet bundle of joy in my arms to enjoy. The strange thing is it automatically comes, even if I'm not aware of the date approaching I just feel this aching feeling and sadness come over me! That is when I have to tell Cliff and that is usually when I figure out that I am hurting over our loss. Ok so it wasn't too bad this year, I mainly only got teary eyed, thankful for this treatment distracting me. 

The 22nd we took 5 vials. This night Cliff had to stick me 3 times...ouch! The first time all the medicine wouldn't fit in the syringe, the second poke there was a bubble and he had to get that out, then it seemed the needle was dulling so it took two tries to stick me again but we got it!  

The 23rd we had an ultrasound at 0700 and blood work, it all took about 30 mins but getting up at 0545 to get ready and make it to the clinic on time isn't the most fun! They called that evening with the amount of medicine to take the next 3 days. 23rd and 24th, 5 vials and on the 25th only 4 vials. 

Last night we had 4 vials...we ran out of syringes but I went and bought some from one of the Italian grocery stores (I find it so strange that you can buy syringes in the grocery store but whatever it was convenient for me) so we used a 5ml syringe (that was all the grocery store had) which has a bigger needle, it's like the syringes we had been using to mix the meds and then change out the needle to the smaller one..but the 5ml worked fine. Today we may use the same if we don't meet Alessandra, she got us some small syringes from her work. 

This morning we had another ultrasound and more blood work. I was trying to pay attention to what they were saying...and I was trying to look at the ultrasound monitor. I can't really tell sizes on the monitor except it seemed my uterus looked bigger...I don't know why but it seemed to look bigger to me. I have no idea if it is suppose to be bigger or if it really even is! I am definitely no pro at reading the monitor! While I was listening to her say the ovary sizes I was noticing the left is bigger, or she said a bigger number, I think ha, maybe I only started paying attention when she went to the left side! Maybe my left one is doing better (pretty sure she said 7 and I don't know if that is the size of the ovary or how many follicles she was seeing but after that she was saying 12 and 14)...Anyway, I am very happy to be doing this in Italy! Not only are we able to seek treatment here but they seem awesome! And since I can't understand everything they are saying, I'm not asking a million questions, my mind is constantly running thinking about how everything is going and I am very calm! I go to my appointments, do the drill: bathroom to empty bladder, get ultrasound then blood work, wait 5 mins to make sure my arm stops bleeding then tell them I am ok and I leave! We wait for a phone call with the amount of meds we are suppose to take the next few days until our next ultrasound. I am beyond happy to be calm, I am just going with the flow of things, which I am loving because I know if I could understand everything they were saying I would be analyzing it and making myself worry! So this has been wonderful for me, I go to my appointment, take my meds and wait (surprisingly the waiting isn't bothering me) I am anxious to see how many follicles we get but since I don't really know any numbers from each ultrasound, or I'm not even sure what day we will go in for pick up, I am just going with the flow and praying for good results! I am not too anxious for the pick up or transfer either which surprises me! I was a little scared at first for those days, afraid it may hurt but I have this trick where if I don't think about things I don't worry about it so that is what I have been doing, putting it out of my mind and just going with the flow! This is usually hard for me to do but I have been doing it and lately when I think of pick up and transfer day I am excited, not scared or worried about pain! Mostly I am wondering what I will wear ha, yes what I will wear, they told me I need to bring a gown or pajamas and I haven't decided what that will be!  

I can't believe how calm I am!!!! Definitely feeling like prayers are helping me stay calm so if you are reading this...send up a prayer each day to keep this sense of calmness! And thank you! 

Today I also tried to pretend I was already on bed rest....it's hard! I was ok this morning because I was tired and the pups kept me company on the couch, we all took a nap! But when I woke up I was anxious to do something! It's probably from the coffee so I think I will have to cut coffee out (I only drink one cup a day) during the bed rest times (after pick up and transfer) and then maybe I will be ok with being lazy! Today I let Cliff take my car to work and I don't want to go anywhere but I decided I needed to give the shower a really good scrub down since I'm not suppose to be in too warm of water for long periods of times, that means no baths, and Cliff has decided since today marks the day he is suppose to start to prepare for pick up also he won't take any more baths either....both of us are only to take showers for the next few days (if you know us you know we both LOVE baths so this kind of stinks for us!) So I didn't want to drive the Jeep anywhere to get shower cleaner (mainly because I don't want to get out of the house), found an easy recipe online, mixed it up and sprayed the shower down! The homemade shower cleaner worked ok but not as well as I hoped...we use this really moisturizing shower geL and it builds up residue on the outside part of the shower floor where the shower curtain blocks the water from constantly hitting it to clean it and let it drain, so it cleaned the shower but I was hoping the residue would just melt away...didn't happen, I had to scrub a little. But I can't be doing anything like this when I am suppose to be on bed rest so lets again pray, pray that I can be calm and laziness can come over me while I need to be on bed rest!

Now we wait for the clinic to call with medicine amounts to take until Wednesday the 28th when we will have another ultrasound! 

I don't know what day pick up will be but I know we are getting close and I am getting excited! I think we are about half way there...so maybe only another week to wait before we know how many follicles we got! And then a few days wait to see how many we can implant!

I can't believe we are to this point! It seems like it took forever to get here! It has been a long road since we started this journey! Please pray for God to keep us calm and relaxed as we get farther into the treatment and really start the waiting game! ~ One day at a time! 

Nov. 20, 2012

Last night (11/19/12) the injection was not bad at all! I have a small bruise on the injection sight but it's not tender or anything and best of all I still feel like myself! (I am curious to see if/when I start feeling a little different with all the meds).

Last night (11/19/20) we also figured out that we took too much of the Enantone on the 18th and Cliff and I were both flipping out! We were mad at ourselves and irritated, both of us were to blame neither of us completely read the paper explaining the medication dosage well enough, we both thought we needed to take the entire vial when we only needed half. We got in contact with our doctor and he said it is ok, we just have to make sure we take the daily meropur as directed! You can bet your boots we had already said we have to triple check meds from now on! What a relief, we were so afraid we would have to be pushed back, that I wouldn't ovulate and that we completely screwed ourselves! We found out it was ok right before we were going to bed so it was beyond awesome to hear that we were ok and our mistake didn't hurt us! I had been fearing the medications for this reason! I was so afraid I would mess up on taking them! I guess we got a little lucky and it happened early on and won't effect our outcome! Whew!
While I was upset last night Cliff suggested that I read Job, I was questioning what we did to deserve some of this (yes our mistake turned out to be ok but still I get so confused that none of this has come easy for us)  I will start reading today!



Today we will take the same amount of meropur: 6 vials, 450 UI again we will mix the 6 powder vials with 2 of the liquids into an intramuscular syringe then once mixed we will change the needle to a smaller needle and  give the injection into my stomach...Cliff will be my doctor tonight and administer my injection! 

Nov. 19, 2012 Starting Meds

Last night the Enantone intramuscular injection...hurt! Cliff was asking how it felt because he was saying it was really hard to push it all in and I replied with it hurt! My butt hurt last night after the injection, it hurt to sit, if anything touched it, it hurt in the bath and when I laid down, so I fell asleep on my left side! I also remember waking up some in the middle of the night and thinking ouch, that still hurts. This morning it does not hurt near as bad but is still a little tender. Glad that was a one time only shot!

Today we start the injections in my stomach...

Meropur 6 vials of 75 UI for a total of 450 UI (we combine 6 of the powders with 2 of the liquids in a big intramuscular syringe and change the needle out so it is only one shot in my stomach) Alessandra will help with this injection tonight because Cliff is not sure where to give it!

Initial Meeting at the Clinic

Our Initial meeting at the Oderzo Clinic was October 20th
We took one of our Italian friends, Alessandra with us (this family is pretty much our Italian family) I keep their little boy Enrico, I have been his Nanny for 3 years now! Alessandra is an Oncologist and we asked her to go to our initial meeting with us to help translate and tell the clinic they could contact her with any information about our case. She helped translate during the meeting and helped us line everything out for the entire treatment! It was a lot of information, we signed a lot of paperwork, we received an outline of the treatment and the payment plans, so we now had an idea of  how everything, well mostly everything would play out! 

Dr. Manno actually told us this in an email but because of my low ovarian reserve they will actually be doing ICSI with us. This stands for intracytoplasmic sperm injection. ICSI may be used as part of an IVF treatment. In normal IVF, many sperm are placed together with and egg, in hopes that one of the sperm will enter and fertilize the egg. With ICSI, the embryologist takes a single sperm and injects it directly into an egg. 

Here is a link if you would like to research ICSI more: http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-for-infertility 


We are still waiting on an appointment with the Genetic Counselor but we are still able to proceed with the IVF treatment cycle before seeing him. 
This is where we currently are....now I will start with day by day posts of our treatment! 

I am excited and nervous! I am very thankful for Cliff to help with the injections because I do not think I could give them to myself.


Today Nov. 18th we had to go to the Clinic for another appointment, the beginning of the treatment :)
We saw the anesthesiologist who we paid 120 Euro to, he explained a little about what would happen during egg retrieval (which they call pick up) and transfer.
Next I had an ultrasound and blood work done by Dr. Tomei, they gave me several samples of medications ok so they aren't really samples it is the medications I need and the most expensive ones! This medication is called meropur it comes in a box of 12 vials of 75 IU which will more than likely last me 2 days per box, but here is the kicker, each box cost 200-250 Euro! YIKES! Luckily the clinic gave me enough to last until the 26th and then she (Paula a nurse) said she would more than likely be able to give me more! She also gave me more Inofolic vitamins which was nice because I was going to have to go to the Farmacia (Italian pharmacy) tomorrow and buy more.
And then we saw the biologist who also explained a little about what would happen during the egg retrieval (pick up) and transfer. She gave us a print out of some steps that happen, a few pictures of their lab and answered any questions that we had! 
At the end we paid 470 Euro for the other half of the visit, the ultrasound, blood work and visit with the biologist.

When we left I felt very confident that they will do everything they can to make this a success! It seems like if something doesn't work they have a back up plan! I was extremely happy to feel some relief and a sense of calmness! 


Medications we started: (Most of my meds are from the clinic or we get them from the Farmaci so the meds are Italian names.)

Oct. 14-22 - Yaz, birth control so glad to be finished with that, I did not like it! Changed my skin (gave me             some acne that I never get), reduced my libido and made me quite moody! I was able to get this from the Base.  

Oct. 14 -until pick up - Inofolic - (in the morning) this is folic acid 200mcg and Myo-Inositolo 2000mg 

                                 
 -Inofolic Plus (at night) - folic acid 200mcg, Myo-Insitolo 2000mg, Melatonina 3mg, I had to buy these from the Farmacia there are 20 in a box, Inofolic is 13.50 Euro, the Inofolic Plus is 27.50 Euro both are powder form that I mix with water and have no taste! 

Nov. 18 - Enantone 3.75mg injection intramuscular (Alessandra was able to get this for us) this injection hurt!

Cliff started his vitamins on Oct. 14th also!
Genadis - one pack per day, (Acido D-Aspartico 2660mg, Coenzima Q10 200mg, Zinco 10mg) it is also a powder form that he mixes with water but it is orange flavor. This is basically to make him have super sperm ;) A box of 14 packs costs 41.50 Euro 

The Infertility Clinic

So we were playing the waiting game....we prayed and we waited! We started thinking is this right? Is it ok to seek infertility treatments? Is this going against God's will? What will they tell us? 
We waited for tricare to call with the results of our referral, mainly we only wanted the referral because with it tricare will pay for your appointment! So finally after checking a few times with them and no results yet they called after 2 months! They told me tricare had accepted the referral and now they would call the clinic to make me an appointment. They called me back about a week later with very good news, there was a cancellation, they had an appointment available in 2 weeks! (TWO WEEKS!) this was awesome, usually you have to wait 2 months! They asked if I would be available and I replied with "if I wasn't I will be, yes I will take the appointment," she says "good because I booked it! Come by 2 days before to pick up directions!" Cliff and I were very excited to be getting somewhere...hopefully closer to answers on how to have a family! 

July 25th, 2012: Our appointment with an Infertility Clinic in Pordenone Hospital! The Base also paid for a translator however Dr. Manno speaks good English! So the appointment went something like this: 
The Dr looks over our blood work and all our tests. He asks my age, continues looking and states my FSH is high and AMH is low for my age, then he says "inter-uterine insemination is not an option, you need to do in-vitro fertilization and we need to do it soon! I can't get you in on my Sept. treatment but I can get you in on the Nov. treatment cycle. Would you like to do that?" Cliff and I a little shocked with an answer as of what we need to do, say "yes we would love that." We ask why we are not a candidate for IUI and he says because of my AMH level, he said it would more than likely not work so there is no need to waste time and he didn't want to waste time with my hormone levels, he thought IVF is the best treatment for us. The Dr then says "I hope you didn't do the HSG test because it is not necessary for you and it is quite uncomfortable".....HA you have got to be kidding me, yes I did that and yes it was quite uncomfortable, only good thing that came from it was knowing that I am all clear and the parts look good! He discussed with us our options on where to seek treatment, the options: 
`seek treatment at the Pordenone Hospital where treatment cost 3000 Euro up front with no refund if it doesn't work plus medications (approx 1,500 Euro) and a longer wait time before actually starting treatment 
`or seeking treatment with their main Clinic in Oderzo where the treatment costs approx 4,700 Euro plus medications (approx 1,500 Euro) but they give as many samples as possible, you stop paying if you don't reach it to certain points and treatment would be starting in Nov. 
The Dr talked to us a little about the numbers and success rates, which all seemed very good! My hormone tests kind of stink but my age makes up for it and evens me out, putting me in a normal success zone! We gave the Dr our email, he said he would contact us with our next appointment and he ordered some more lab work for us to do! Cliff and I walked out of there...me mostly, thinking wow, this is not the route I wanted to go but I can't believe we have an answer with what we need to do on our first visit! I expected more tests before we would know what we needed to do! And in November, wow, so soon I also expected to have to wait longer! We felt as though God was leading us to the path he wanted us to go down! He had Dr. Vroon do all he could do on base and then refer me to the infertility specialist who was very passionate and sincere on helping us! I was at ease with where we were even though I would prefer natural conception, We had prayed for God to lead us to where he wanted us to go, we had turned it all over to him and things started happening for us, we were getting answers and Doctors who wanted to help us!

What happened after our July appointment and while we waited for a message stating we were ready to start treatment:
I worried and waited anxiously! I started exercising more because I was finding myself very anxious! The exercise worked miracles! It was kind of slow....we just lived normal life I guess! August 8, I had to go to the Oderzo clinic (the main infertility clinic where we chose to seek treatment) to have an ultrasound done for a follicle count. This is where I really realized the Italian hospitals/clinics are different than American ones! I had been in the hospitals before so I knew the looks were different but I hadn't really got to experience it first hand! I had also been told by a few people what to expect. I am glad I am not too modest because this is no place for it! While at the clinic we sat down and talked to the doctor then the Dr and I walked behind a small wall to the examination table (Cliff stayed seated at the desk), while he turned the ultrasound machine on he told me ok, to get on the table...I dropped my panties (I had a dress on) and I hopped up on that table, put my legs in the stir-ups and the doctor preformed the ultrasound! This made me laugh...what else should I do? I have to laugh in these situations (I mean I held it in until Cliff and I left and I could tell him what happened but it made me laugh on the inside while it was happening)! I also told some of my friends that if they ever had to go off base to not be modest and be prepared! It was a funny experience to me and it is not weird...this is how they (Italians) do things, they aren't modest, the Doctor was a professional, they don't cater to you like American Hospitals, they give basic care, but it's good care! Why is it necessary to have a drape cloth to cover your legs during an ultrasound? Apparently Italians don't think it is necessary and they don't offer them! So if you ever find yourself in an Italian Hospital (maybe all European Hospital/clinics are like this, I'm not sure) don't be surprised by the lack of modesty! I thought the results of the follicle count (ultrasound) were good but when I took the results back to the Pordenone Hospital so Dr. Manno could review them, he said they weren't so good. For someone my age I should have 12 follicles, I had 4! But he said again, with my age and medications I should still be in the normal range for treatment success! 

October 10, 2012: Awesome day! We received an email from Dr. Manno that stated they were recruiting couples for the Nov. treatment cycle, asking if we wanted to participate! We of course replied YES and he ordered some more lab work!
All of Cliff's were normal again! One of mine came back abnormal :( a chromosome test. Cliff and I actually had the results at home and I started reading the results, it said we suggest genetic counseling....I kind of panicked! Cliff tells me to stay calm and go talk to my base Dr (Dr. Vroon) the next day! I do so and he is confused, he missed the results being abnormal and apologized, he didn't really know what the results meant and he suggested me seek the genetic counseling and discuss this with my infertility Dr to see what he suggests doing. I speak to Dr. Manno (infertility Dr). Dr Manno says to get an echocardiogram, a thyroid test and a kidney ultrasound done asap so we can proceed with treatment! I panic again, Cliff calms me, again exercise helps the anxiety levels and a new friend tells me this is not a road block but merely a speed bump! I don't think she realized how much her words helped me! I had previously had the thyroid test and it was normal so I didn't have to do that one again but I had to have the kidney ultrasound done on base, the results were normal! Next up was the echocardiogram and that had to be preformed off base at the Italian Hospital in Pordenone (with us paying out of pocket, it was about 150 Euro)! The results, normal :) 
Echocardiogram: interesting experience! So Italians are not modest and their hospitals are a lot different than Americans! Here is my ecg test experience: I go in sit down in a waiting room and the doctor comes to call me back! We sit in his office, I explain to him I am seeking IVF and a chromosome test came back abnormal and they ordered this test, a kidney ultrasound and thyroid test (both normal) before we can proceed. He says ok lets get started, we walk behind a room divider and he says remove your shirt, I remove it and sit on the bed, he says your bra also, I get up remove it and lay back down...yes I am laying topless with nothing but my pants on (no modesty in the Italian hospitals and this is normal so I try to act like it is normal for me too), he checks my blood pressure and starts an electric reading so he sticks things on me, reads the graph prints it out, tells me to put my shirt on and follow him to the ultrasound part of the test in a room down the hall! We walk to the other room...I remove my shirt again and bra, sit topless in a chair in the middle of the room with just him and I in the room...half way through the test I look up to see this video camera mounted on the wall and all I can think is well it's probably for safety since they do stuff with just the doc and patient and don't have to have a nurse present also, just for safety but I laugh and also think well if someone does monitor the camera often I hope they are getting a good show of this young topless girl moving side to side and this older gentlemen ultra-sounding my heart haha! I got a good laugh out of it! 

After all the worry, all of the tests came back normal! The ECG had great reviews as that sweet older gentlemen who preformed my test was the Chief Director of the Cardiology Department and is particularly skilled with this test :) how awesome, not only was he a very nice, older, gray haired gentleman who made me very comfortable, explained everything he saw during the ultrasound, sat back down with me at his desk after, assured me everything was normal and there was nothing to worry about, sent me out of his office with a copy of the results...he wasn't just nice, he was the Chief of the department! I walked out of there laughing too but thinking ya know all of the doctors I have seen on the economy here in Italy have been so sincere!

My body has issues in the fertility department but I have been blessed with awesome doctors to help me! 

Getting Checked Out

October 2011 we decide it is in our best interest to get checked out...at this point we had been trying to conceive naturally for about one year. I started out seeing my primary family care doctor. He tells me how to chart my basal body temperature, which I then did for about 6 cycles and saw what I needed to see (rises and falls in temp indicating ovulation) he asks me if I have been using ovulation tests (which I had been using and had pretty much narrowed down my ovulation days), I tell him I had one miscarriage and we discuss options about referring me to the Women's Health Clinic. He orders some tests (blood work) that has to be done before I can actually be referred to Women's Health and I do those tests (I can't really remember what those tests were)....then I went to Women's health! 

Women's health: Basically I started more blood work! Hormone tests, some came back normal and some came back abnormal. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) was high, this is a blood test that had to be preformed on specific cycle days. At one point it was 14.2 the second test it was 13.3 for someone my age (27) it should be lower, levels of 11-15 indicate decreased egg reserve and a reduced chance of pregnancy. So we moved to the AMH anti-mullerian hormone another blood test that is thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply or ovarian reserve. My AMH tests came back at 0.5 and then 0.8 I had to laugh at these results because on paper these numbers state that I am post menopausal and that, I am not! But these numbers are not good for someone my age! So a little mental/emotional meltdown here, yes it happened...why is my body failing me I just want to have a baby! Something that is so simple and easy for some people is turning into a big issue/process for us! 

I remember very clearly when the Dr called me with one of my FSH results...I had a breakdown, he had told me that the result wasn't what they like to see in someone my age and that it could mean a poor egg quality which could mean harder for me to conceive and more chances of me to miscarry again! I remember it was cold, Cliff and I were having car trouble and borrowing a friends, he had taken me to get the friends car before he went to work, the doctor called me as soon as I got out of the car with Cliff so I drove to Cliff's work where I met him before he had to go in to tell him what the Dr said and I remember breaking down thinking/saying my body is acting like I am an older person 35-40 instead of 27, this shouldn't be happening to me, why do I have these numbers, are we going to keep having miscarriages....I cried and Cliff held me! I prayed, probably the whole way home! I find myself praying a lot in the car...I am in the car about an hour or more a day sometimes!

After we got the AMH test results the base Dr recommended he refer me to an off base infertility Dr because they had pretty much done all they could do for me. We discussed clomid and other medicines I could take but it seemed I was ovulating I just didn't have strong enough eggs to conceive or to implant! He also said that he didn't want to waste time doing something like Clomid, he just recommended we see an infertility specialist! So we prayed! We had started praying when tests were coming back with odd results for someone my age...we were getting the result of unexplained infertility which honestly, flat out sucks! 

In the meantime, Cliff had done his part...his results came back slightly below normal so he cut back on warm baths and caffeine. His next test came back in the normal range and his 3rd test even better, so he is good! Thank the Lord there are no fertility issues with  his body! And all of his blood work has come back normal! 

So my base Dr put in a referral for the off base infertility specialist! He ordered some more lab work and an HSG (hysterosalpingogram, an x-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus, fallopian tubes and the surrounding area with dye) because he said usually the infertility doctors want this done before any treatments because they want to know if the tubes are open, if there is any blockage or what not. I have the HSG test preformed! That was interesting! First they insert the cervical clamp and catheter and then they want me to move up on the table put more towels under my butt so I am at more of an angle, then they pull the top of the machine over me and it won't lock in place so it is shaking the whole table including what is hanging/attached to my vagina then they are ready and the idiots behind the wall, I guess they turned the machine on, not sure what they were really there for but they needed to be ready for us to start so they played some roll, well they weren't ready they were too busy chatting...by this point I am beyond annoyed and almost yelled please get your stuff together and stop goofing off but I bit my tongue because what I almost let come out of my mouth would not have been that nice! Well that wasn't all, during the test the x-ray tech could hardly see the dye so the dr had to insert more contrast then they were having me roll from side to side and carefully lift each side (apparently this part is normal) I did get to see some of the x-ray, the guy showed me I had no blockage in by tubes and my uterus looked good, it all looked so small, I was amazed the tubes looked like pen lines were drawn on the screen and my uterus looked to be about the size of my pinkie finger (but even a little more narrow)!  Results to HSG-good. 

Basically everything was coming back to we have no idea why you aren't getting pregnant except your FSH being higher than normal and my AMH being low (for my age). The referral was in so we waited to hear from tricare saying the referral was approved....and we prayed, at this point I was at my wits end with asking why and wondering what was going on! I said ok God, this is all in your hands! 

Intro: Our Family Expansion

This is going to be harder than I thought, emotionally....
but here it goes: I am going to briefly start from the beginning and lead up to where we currently are so bare with me! This is basically an outline up until Nov. 18th when I started the blog...this means that not all of my emotions are in this! Trust me there have been so many emotions good and bad on this journey! I wish I had started the blog a long time ago so I had all of my emotions documented, even though I am ashamed with some of my feelings I know I shouldn't be but even sometimes being around children would trigger my thoughts! I am however very thankful to have a strong faith, a supportive husband and family/friends to keep me going! 


~Cliff and I were married in November of 2008, we had what we would consider a perfect family, the 2 of us and our 2 precious pups, Lycan and Siren :) We lived in Fort Walton Beach, FL, but had already received orders to move to Aviano, Italy in May of 2009! (Cliff is in the Air Force) Early in 2009, before leaving FL we decided I would stop my birth control and we would go with the flow of things :)


~Shortly after we arrived in Italy (yes we settled in, explored some and immediately fell in love with the area) we decided we really wanted to expand our family and add a baby! Exciting right! We started trying in December of 2009, things started out very easy and simple for us, we were pregnant in a few months! Ecstatic, we told almost everyone immediately we were to have a baby and I was due Nov. 21, 2010! I was having a great first trimester, no sickness, just extra saliva (annoying), some slight cramping sometimes at the end of the day with a little back ache and my nose, everything I could smell was stronger than ever that alone could cause some nausea so I was thankful I had not been experiencing morning sickness at all! 

Our first doctor visit, May 3rd 2010 I was 12 weeks into the pregnancy we feared the worst when we didn't see a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor...the nurse said it out loud and tears flowed down my cheeks, the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks! We were devastated, the worst part was going home to call and tell family the bad news as they were expecting to hear from us! I could hardly get the words to come out of my mouth while speaking to my Mom! Every person I told I swear Cliff had to wrap his arms around me and it felt as though he was catching me as I was falling! I collapsed in his arms more times than I can count! The next day we were scheduled for a DNC to complete the miscarriage. We decided to go the route of the DNC because I had not had any signs of miscarrying except very light spotting around 10 wks (which was not considered a sign) but since then nothing. We later noticed that Lycan had been wanting to be near to me constantly (he knew something was wrong and wouldn't leave my side...he's sweet and concerned like that but we couldn't figure out until after the Dr appt why he had been wanting to be near me so much).  Cliff was due to deploy in about a week, the doctors had told us we could wait and let my body pass the baby on its own but considering how long it had been without anything happening and Cliff scheduled to leave so soon, I didn't want to go through all of that alone, we wanted it to all be over! They also do not administer the medication to help your body start the miscarriage process here due to how much you can bleed and risk going to the Italian Hospital (they like to avoid emergencies) so we chose the best route for us. The DNC went well I had no complications, the healing process went well also. Cliff was deploying so we wouldn't be able to try again for about 6 months. To me this was good and bad, good because it would give us time to heal emotionally and (me) physically but bad because it was delaying us expanding our family. The few days after the DNC were nice Cliff was given time off work to stay with me, the dogs (at this time we had taken in a foster, Chahee), all 3 stayed in bed with me cuddling as much as I needed it, it was rainy so it made it easier to lay around and recover! Cliff was super sweet and I couldn't have asked for a better companion than him and the pups during that rough time...the constant hugs and shoulder to cry on was beyond comforting! Cliff's deployment was pushed back about a week because the volcano in Iceland was erupting and all flights everywhere in Europe had been cancelled! This was nice to keep him with me for a few extra days! But then he deployed and it began....time with friends and staying busy to not only get through the deployment but also get over the loss of our child. Friends, a few to be exact were absolutely amazing to have during that time, I will never forget their kindness!

 Now I did have crying spells and yelling fits asking why this had happened, we had a plan and then it hit me...if you ever want to make God laugh tell him your plans (have you ever heard this?) I knew He had a plan but this was a very trying time for me! I feel like I was strong through it all and I handled it the best I could, I didn't let too many people know how vulnerable I was! Mostly I lost it while I was in the car by myself or at home with the pups, amazingly they would come cuddle with me and provide comfort...I know some people think I am crazy about my dogs and I am, they have been there for me when no one else was...they have comforted me when I needed it the most! So yeah I love them like crazy! 

I still don't understand and never will but the question "why" has left my mind and I have faith that He knows why! I still sometimes think oh our child would be ___ old or would be around that kids age! I think about what he/she would look like what they would be doing at this time in their life, how different our lives would be and then I wake up and think live today Terri-Anne, enjoy what you have and where you are...you live in Italy (this I don't think will ever be real to me...we have fallen in love with Italia and are very blessed for this opportunity, the good and bad!) Probably the best words that anyone said to me were from my Aunt, "you never forget but it does get easier" those words have helped me understand that my thoughts and feelings on this roller coaster are normal and the words are most definitely true!

Now I have mentioned 2 important dates, May 3rd and Nov 21st....two very emotional times for us and 2 dates we will never forget! There is something very ironic about these dates...first May 3rd the day we found out we had lost our baby, this day is also the birthday of one of Cliff's very dear friends (Cole) who tragically passed away on Nov. 21, 2009 we feel that there is a link in these dates....there has to be! When we got home from the hospital on May 3rd I will never forget Cliff saying "today is Cole's birthday," I say "it is isn't it?" He goes on to say "I guess he needed a piece of me in heaven with him!" It kind of made sense, Cliff and Cole had a brotherly relationship and had known each other their whole lives, pretty much when they were in the womb they became friends! I honestly feel comfort thinking and knowing that Cole is watching our child as they look down on us together...I guess as much as we wanted that baby we find peace knowing that Cole has a piece of Cliff with him! Cliff carries Cole in his heart down here on Earth and Cole carries a piece of our heart up in Heaven with him!


~Now jump to October 2010-Cliff comes home from deployment :) yay! The first night he is home we catch up on talking, for hours we talked and talked and talked, telling each other stories and saying how happy we are he is home! Also talking about how we couldn't imagine me being pregnant with a big belly...realizing life is how it is suppose to be! We decided we wanted to get used to him being home and us being back together so we would go with the flow of things, not to necessarily try to conceive but not prevent it either! After a year of no luck, we decided maybe we should go get checked out to make sure nothing was preventing us from conceiving and to make sure we were both healthy!